I don’t do New Year’s resolutions. They seem so phony and forced, and almost no one sticks to them. However, I’ve been doing a lot of self-reflection recently, about some of my experiences and the way I think about things, and I’ve had a couple ideas that could branch into lifelong resolutions. It only happens to be New Year’s time.
I need to accept and love myself. Putting this into action may be what pushed me into finally starting the blog. I know that learning to love oneself is almost cliché at this point, but I feel like very few people actually do it, or do it in the way that I mean.
I think that I started really loving the way that I look last year. I’ve always loved my butt, and it was the first time I was aware of the fact that I have boobs, and other features just seemed to fall into place. This is not to say that I was without insecurities. I’ve never had visible abs, and all the muscles in my body are covered with an inch or so of fat, and there can be any number of things wrong with my appearance on any given day. The way I got over that was by asking myself if I’d want to trade what I had with anyone else. I’d look at girls with bigger boobs and bigger stomachs than mine and decide that I was okay. I’d look at girls with flat abs but no butt to speak of, and appreciate my curves. I’d see girls who looked flawless, and speculate what they looked like without makeup. Each time, I decided that I wouldn’t actually trade anything on my body, or my face, and that I really liked myself the way I was.
You see how wrong that was though, right? I might have accepted myself, but I clearly didn’t love myself if I felt the need to mentally match and compare myself with everyone around me. Is that why people critique others? Not because they really care, but so that they can secretly feel better about themselves? That’s so messed up. I was so messed up. Sometimes I still am so messed up, because sometimes I still catch myself comparing myself to other people. It’s so stupid, because at this point in life I already know that I’m attractive. I know that I have some type of beauty, and I know that someone else’s beauty will do nothing to diminish mine. Yet I still get urges to compare myself to other people, and I’m working on eradicating them.
I’m definitely closer now than I was before. I love to tell people that they’re beautiful, and I love to celebrate with others (the non-distressing form of my empathy). Lately I’ve been celebrating people a lot more than mentally trying to pick them apart, and I hope that this can only increase. This is partly why I really want to join a nudist colony, or at least spend a lot of time on nude beaches. I just feel like being out and open in the world will force me to completely accept everything about myself, to the point where loving my body and my looks won’t even be a thing to think about because it simply will be.
I think that if I can do this, I’ll be happier. Not only because I won’t have to harbor constant worries and negative thoughts about myself, but also because it will allow me to truly appreciate everyone else around me. Without a reason to see bad in people, all the good can shine through.