Category Archives: Asexuality

A Preservation

Some kisses are magic.

Is it the kiss, or the setting? Or is the kiss the culmination?

Bam, bam, bam-bam bee-dum, bam, bam

“F*ck him,” she’s told me. “F*ck XXXXX for not seeing what he had in front of him. I wish I could date you, but I can’t date all my friends.”

A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly, and is also known as a buster

And just like that, I’m not sad. Well, I am. But when I open my mouth to respond, I realize that I don’t care about talking about what’s happened. I squeeze my eyes to cry, because this would be the perfect moment to, but nothing comes out.

I’m too happy.

I look around at people I love, only people I love, gathered together.

“You know what I’m thankful for?” one of us says, “Great friends.”

I think about that, it pulls me down into clouds. Great friends, great friends.

I get it. I look at my friends, and I feel our connections to each other. In this moment, our vibes are tangible. They weave together above our heads, forming a canopy that drapes over our bodies and wraps us in warmth.

I understand that this is something I’ve been missing. That, had a conversation gone differently, I probably would not have been here right now. And I so need to be here. I’ve spent the summer being drained, but this moment makes me feel full. I know that it will pass, and in a few days I will feel empty again. So I drink in as much of the moment as possible, let it fill every space in my body and mind, and as much of my soul as I can manage.

“I hate him so f*cking much,” she’s told me, “For what he did to you. I wish I could kill him, because he’s made you so sad. But then, that would make you sad, too.”

Yes, it would. I don’t hate him. I did, for about twenty minutes. I hated him for making me love him. I replayed our most recent moments in my mind, and hated him for giving me snatches of happiness, teases of how well we could fit together. I hated him for telling me he loved me when he wasn’t ready. What height of carelessness

But then, there was care in his letting me go. I can recognize that.

It’s personal, myself and I
We’ve got some figuring out to do

If my love for him had been like a candle, there would be hot wax all over my hand at this point, and the wick would nearly be gone. Painful. Almost as painful as putting it out.
After a bit, pains begin to overlap with one another, so you’re not sure what’s really troubling you anymore.

Loving you was nice,
But it’s a new day, a new season
I’ve been sad inside

You know what I’m thankful for? Great friends.

Friends who will meet you for lunch after not seeing each other in a long time. Who, over frozen raspberry margaritas will get you to tell the truth you’ve been trying to avoid: You didn’t downgrade anything to an assault. You got raped in South Africa. Who will listen to you tell, for the first time, the true and full story of what happened just two weeks ago, and will laugh with you about the teeny tiny size of your rapist’s penis (which actually, it turned out, made things easier for him). Who will watch your eyes tear up, then clear up, and make you laugh again by reminding you of that time in fifth grade that they got you to sit in their broken chair and the desk fell over on you.

Friends who will come over from Boston, having planned their New York visit to match when they know for a fact you’ll be in the country. Who will meet you in Grand Central and walk with you to Bryant Park, who will find a deck of cards and reteach you how to play Spit. Who will understand that something may be wrong, but will do such a thoroughly good job of distracting you by just being themselves. Who will remind you that you can love friends, even if you rarely see them.

I’ve been sad inside,
And he could see it, picked up your pieces,
We could just alight

Friends who will gather to say goodbye to someone, but do it in the most beautiful, celebratory way possible. Who will dance on two levels of a deck, with young children and older relatives. Who will take pictures together, and lean over railings, reaching their hands down to you, as you raise yourself up on your toes so that your faces can be as close as possible.

“We’re all soul mates,” she says, and I believe her. Our friendships are deep.

I sit among my friends, and blow out of the candle. I understand that it can’t be burning right now. I need to put it away. Not quite let it go. The day I lose hope for the candle, hope for us, is the day I have completely changed into another person. So I won’t get rid of it. I’ll just put it somewhere else, and try not to think about it too much, and maybe one day, when he’s ready, he will light what’s left of it, and help me build it back up again.

“I love you so much,” Gari tells me, hugging me on one side and Crystal on the other. “I love you guys.” And we hug her back, and I feel our friendship glowing, pulsing, so I close my eyes to let it better wash over me. And I feel her kiss me on my forehead, over my right brow. I’ve missed this. Feeling loved. Feeling safe. Feeling happy. We are a star.

Home is wherever I’m with you

This night is the most magical moment I have yet had the privilege to feel.



Please, comfort me.

At the top of their stairs is a wall of bookshelves. It used to be like a house library, except filled with children’s books. The kind of children’s books that aren’t necessarily classics, but ones that every child should read. A collection of all the stories you vaguely remember, only it’s been such a long time that you aren’t sure whether the books exist, or if you made up their ideas. And then suddenly, you see the book in front of you at the bookshelf, you understand that everything was real, and your memories transport you back to that time period. The last time I was here, I found the Crestomanci chronicles. The last time I was here, I was by myself, and it was three years ago, and William hadn’t overdosed. Most of the books are gone now.

At the top of the stairs is a shrine.

I am facing photo after photo of the dead brothers. I’m even in one of the pictures. Edward’s arm is around me, and we are smiling into the camera. It’s Christmas of 2010, the year I caught onto his alcoholic and anorexic tendencies enough to worry, without knowing to be alarmed. It had still been a great Christmas. They used that photo in his memorial service. Proof of how apparent it was to everyone that we were connected. My aunt stays looking out.

I can look at our photo, and be okay. I know that he isn’t around, and I truly believe he’s in a better place. But what they left behind. Two parents who don’t like each other, are miserable together, but stay together for the benefit of their only surviving child, the daughter who graduated, who broke into tears during her graduation speech and then pulled herself together to thank her family and friends. I look at a picture of William, young enough to still be blond, before his hair naturally darkened to brown, smiling and pretending to work as he sat next to his father at his desk. It’s connected to a picture of baby Will on Uncle Steve’s shoulders.

“It was never so clear,” another cousin would tell me, “Two parents who absolutely had favorite children. Aunt Lori found Will’s body. She lay down next to him and told him to take care of Edward. Her speech at his funeral was all about how they could look after each other now. And Steve’s was just a really specific memory of Will. It was hard to watch.”

“No one chooses to be born,” Will said, at Edward’s funeral. “So I guess it’s good he got to choose when he died.”

I wonder if Will chose his death. It’s hard to tell. He’d been clean for a minute. It seemed like he was turning his life around. And then

I look at the happy babies with their happy parents. I look at the cards from their funerals. I’m overwhelmed with the feeling of, What’s the point?

You’d think it would be hard to go into Edward’s room, but it’s surprisingly easy. It’s also right next to the stairs. His cats lurk around like ghosts. They don’t run away from me like they used to; they just watch me as I sink into his couch. I wonder what that means, and then I try to stop myself from romanticizing the situation. Maybe our energies just match. We’re all still hiding together. Them from the family, and me from the babies.

What’s the point of crafting a life with someone, if that person will hurt you? Love fades, love sours. I guess that’s why people have children. So there will always be something to love. But then even when white, even when wealthy, your children can still grow up to hate themselves, and their lives, and maybe even you, a little bit. And they’ll leave you, and your suffering will only increase.

I guess it doesn’t have to be like this. These are just the examples I’ve been given.
I cry, silently, and Edward’s cats watch me.

“You know, Lucas believes in the same things we do,” their sister is telling me. “Like gay rights. He knows that Edward was gay.”

Lucas is her crush. They’re friends, and she wants more. I wonder if she knows about Orlando, and how she feels. Maybe Edward didn’t kill himself. Maybe he and Pat were just on vacation and got shot up for their orientation.

She shows me a picture of him.

“He’s pretty cute,” I say, and she side-eyes me. “But don’t worry, he’s all yours.” I put my hands up.
“Hey!” She says. “You take my guy, and I’ll take yours.”
“You couldn’t, even if you tried,” I tell her. “I don’t have a guy. I don’t think we can even hang out very much anymore.”
“Why not?” She wants to know.
“Because, it’s painful.”
“When I’m with Lucas,” she tells me. “It’s painful. But I keep spending time with him anyway, because he’s important to me. We have a connection. And I think that one day he’ll realize it.”
“But that’s why it’s painful,” I say. “We know we have a connection. He already realized. And it just gets stronger the more time we spend together, but he isn’t ready for it. It’s a tease.”

The next morning I wake up, and fifty people have been killed, with fifty-three injured, at a nightclub. Brown people. Gay people. I spend so much time worrying about my future, and theirs are gone. Taken.

America is burning out, and we don’t have very many friendly places to go, and hundreds of legitimate refugees have been and are drowning. Does anyone have a future? Does anything matter?

This is when I want to run back to Niles. Because with all the uncertainty, why would you not want to hold onto something that is sure? Like the fact that two people are in love. And if the future isn’t guaranteed, then why even think about it? I consider the guys who currently, actually, want me as a girlfriend, and wonder if it’s something I even want. Not because of him, or them, but because of myself and where I currently am, home for a few weeks before going somewhere and becoming unreachable, preparing to start work, trying to get it together enough to move into the city. Being In Love with one person, sure, but also loving different people in different parts of the world. Do I actually want to be in a strictly committed relationship right now? Not really.

But I do want to be in love, and be a priority, and not have to worry about seeing someone I care about hooking up with someone who isn’t me at a party. I want to be able to call someone when I’m down, and have them make me feel better, if only through distraction. I want to nestle in bed with someone and make them feel good. I want to hold hands, and feel safe, and truly believe that we’ll be together when we’re meant to.

So what does that mean? What is the healthiest option? For me, for him, for now, for the future that might not even be there?

And all I can think about now is how there was a moment last year, during our big fight, when we almost hooked up. I’m not sure he’s even aware of that, but it happened. I looked at him, and in the midst of all my anger and sadness I felt this overwhelming attraction, and I knew that if we hooked up, I would enjoy it. But I also knew that if we did hook up, that would be the end of us. So we didn’t, and here we are now. Now, I don’t know if we’re at the end, if I’m supposed to kill my internal flame, or if I’m supposed to run on hope that eventually things will work out. If one of us got shot tomorrow, would the other have regrets?

I’ve been exercising my arms, like he told me to. I can do fifteen pushups now. Next week, I’m going for twenty.


All around my bed, roaring at me.

I need to be sleeping. I need to be awake in four hours, getting ready to take care of a bunch of sixth graders at their school camp in the woods. Privileged children, who don’t see many black people and don’t know how to move bugs off the seats of their canoes. I’m going to expend a lot of energy this week. I need to charge.

But these lions, man. They’re keeping me up.

“The way triggers were explained to me,” my professor/friend said, “Is that it’s like you went on a safari, and you were in what you thought was a safe location, so you left your vehicle to take pictures. And when you turn around to head back into your vehicle, the other people on your trip start shying for you to run. So you run and you make it into the vehicle and you realize that a lion had been stalking you, and was right behind you. You’re in safe, but it did swipe and catch the back of your leg. And when you feel this, you go into shock.
Your trip ends, and you come home safely. But then a while later, you see a house cat, and suddenly you get scared. It’s just a cat, but to you it’s a lion. And you remember feeling your leg get swiped. And a bit after that, you see a jungle show on TV, and even though the wrong cats are present, you still see lions. So you never know when the lions will pop up, but there they are, and this is what you’ll have to deal with.”

I want to be shielded. I want someone to wrap me in their arms until the lions go away. Rock me until I fall asleep. But that’s part of the problem, isn’t it?

Sometimes I feel like what happened to me will prevent me from being comfortable or close with anyone, ever again. Then I fear that even if I start to get close with someone, the rape will still find a way to complicate everything. My physical non-virginity and simultaneous mental discomfort and unfamiliarity with sex is too much for the red-blooded potential partners of my age. My need for stability, support, and closeness is too confusing an ask, and I’m not even sure I’d trust it if it came to me.

Strangers can hurt you.

Friends can hurt you, too.

No place is safe.

No place is off limits, either. A dumpster?? He raped that girl behind a dumpster?? The lions get closer, and I’m in the aggravating position of being thankful that at least my rapist was considerate enough to use his own bed. Even though I’m sure he was considering himself more than he was me. It was his house, after all. He didn’t really need to take me anywhere else. I probably fell down, too, like she did.

Her sister blames herself. I wonder if my friends blame themselves? I know one of them does, a little.

“I was with you earlier that night,” he told me. “We went out together.”
“And we left each other hours before the bar crawl ended,” I told him. “I went to his house with completely other people.”

The others, who were there, and then suddenly gone. I don’t blame them, really. I wonder if they ever thought to blame themselves, though. I wonder if things would have ended differently, had they still been there the only time I managed to get out of the room, before more nameless liquid was poured down my throat.

I still have images, shadowy, but there. Like snapshots in my mind. Projected like strobe, pieces of what happened. We don’t need to go over them. I just need to keep up the clicking of the keyboard, until the lions go away.

This is the time things get dangerous for me. This is when my mind turns into a spider and climbs to the ceiling, spinning webs of doubt and sorrow and fear and terror, which are actually quite different. Fear is the pulsing feeling; terror makes me think I won’t be able to move again. Only my fingers, as the spider webs continue to loop over me.

Will I be alone forever?
Will I ever be chosen in a way that doesn’t hurt me?
Is my only value to the world my body and energy?
Should I expect anything other than hurt?
Where does the line fall between overly dramatic, and simply truthful?

I don’t know the answer to any of these questions, and considering them makes me so tired. Too tired to keep going. Do I want to keep living?

Maybe I shouldn’t ask that question.
Maybe I should just sleep.

Turn the roars into lullabies, let them mount until it’s overwhelming, and then pass out from the sheer exhaustion of stress.

Inviting a Good Love/What I Need

On the anniversary of my rape, he wanted to have sex. And I did too, a little, but not enough to overcome the feelings of fear and foreboding and discomfort. I couldn’t.

In 2015, I said no. And no, and no, and no. And when it was clear that I was going to continue saying no, he stopped asking. And forced it anyway.
In 2016, I said no. And no, and no, and no. And when it was clear that I was going to continue to say no, he stopped asking. And turned away from me, calling me a tease, blaming his frustrations on me, telling me that he regretted the time we had spent together because it prevented him from sleeping with other people.

I needed comfort. I got a bed partner who resented my inaccessible body.

I switched. Stopped thinking about myself, my triggers and traumas, and began to worry about him, and his mood, and how I could make it better.

Why do I always end up with an angry man of color? Is it my role to be burned by someone else’s rage time and again?
Is it my duty, as the sad girl, to weave my grief into blankets that will cocoon the angry man and absorb his pain until they burst all over me?

I am tired.

On my birthday, I made the mistake of showing him how upset I was that I had waited on him for dinner for so long, the restaurants were closed by the time he finally showed up.
“I don’t feel comfortable; Imma head out,” he told me.
“But it’s my birthday,” I pleaded, “And my party is tomorrow. How am I supposed to host people, how am I supposed to keep everyone happy and light, and have a good time? How can I do that when you’ve made me so sad? How can I project the positive energy that people will want from me?”
“You’ll do it the way you always do it,” he told me before he left.

The party was great. Everyone but him said so.
“I haven’t felt this happy in a long time,” our friend told me, and she continued to dance even as everyone else was leaving.

“You’ve had the best parties of the week,” the DJ told me some days later. “Your birthday was so much fun. It was the favorite.”
“Well, I had you DJ-ing!” I told him.
“It’s not that,” he said. “Everyone came for you. They came because they all love you.”

I know that people have love for me, because I work hard to spread love to them. I care about their wellbeing, before my own. Sometimes, I think about the Mrs Who, Whatsit, and Which in “A Wrinkle in Time”, and try to emulate them. Their characters are magical beings, former stars who exploded to bring more light into the world, in a fight against the Dark. When I’m with others, especially when I bring people into spaces I have created, I try to explode positivity at them. It’s why I’m an introvert; I need to recharge afterward. It’s funny: most of campus thought I was so positive, but my housemate believes I am one of the most negative people in the world. As an actually positive person himself, his energy was integral in most of my recoveries. Thank you, Nkosi. I love you.

You know what’s detrimental to recharging? Being in love with someone who drains you even more. Angry men of color will turn the humanity I’ve accepted into a shell.

I’ve spent the past ten days reflecting, and crying, and aching. The pain is becoming dulled, the tears becoming less heavy, finishing more quickly. I stopped crying today and went to greet my sister and her mother on the street. I hugged my father when I came home. I allowed myself to chat with my own mother. Wished some people happy birthdays. Reconnected with other friends, gave time to other guys.

It hit me that if I was in a supportive love, one in which we simultaneously grew, charged each other’s batteries, trusted and supported each other, we could do so much more sustainable good for the world.

That’s what I want. That’s what I need. I wouldn’t have to explode and give out. I could just emanate.
A silly part of me holds out hope that someday, this love will evolve into that. The realistic side of me knows this will not happen any time soon.

So in the meantime, come find me, love. Please. I need you, and I’m waiting for you. Help me to grow.

Mixing Emotions, and Narration

Hooking up with an angry man of color.
It’s a strange experience.

I stared at him for a very long time before I decided to kiss him. I looked into his eyes, that were smiling at me, and wondered how it was possible to have such smiling eyes in front of such an angry interior. I wasn’t sure I wanted to do it, but I knew that I wanted the company, so I did. I kissed him.
We do not understand each other. It’s funny, because we both seem so happy outside of ourselves. I always saw him as goofy, and he probably saw my projected airiness. But underneath all of that, he is very angry, and I am very sad.
I don’t know if sadness and anger can really go together. His anger makes me sad, and my sadness will make him angry, whether it comes in the form of tears or laughter. I do not think angry people understand my need to laugh, hysterically. I think they take it personally, even as they try to make themselves humorous. My laughter has been the wrong laughter for angry people.
“Tell me a story,” I say midway through.
“What?” he’s shocked.
“Tell me a story,” I repeat, balancing on top of him. “From your childhood.”
“You can’t just ask for any random story.” He’s annoyed. “I don’t know what to say.”
“Just tell me one,” I repeat, and kiss him briefly to calm him down. I’ve been so involved in my thoughts that I’ve almost completely disconnected from the situation, and I need to find a different way to connect with him. This is what I need. A story, to understand.

I spent a lovely afternoon tripping with my friend. It took a while to come up, but once there, I didn’t want it to end. I saw my life so much more clearly. I realized that I view my world as a giant story, with all of my interactions as events, and all of the people as characters. I have narration, and English teachers floating in the back of my head to explain the symbolism of things. Everything has a different meaning, and I just need to understand what those meanings are. It’s not that everything happens for a reason, but rather that there’s a lesson to be found in each thing I encounter. If I were an author, I would introduce characters and kill them off as warnings to the reader. We have the celebrities, whose only purposes are to be celebrated. The child stars who teach us the hazards of living solely for the approval of others. Those white people who are parasites and aliens, coming in with superior technologies and fantastic mimicry, sucking the life out of all others around them.
I often get the feeling that the story in which I’m living is not my own, but rather that my whole life is being lived to make some sort of impact in the story of someone else. I’m not my own main character.
I used to want to create a movie whose beginning was the end of another story. Start with two characters in a car that is driving into the sunset. After a point, the audience realizes that this was initially a triumphant drive. At the end of the first story, maybe the characters had packed their bags to set off to the college of their dreams, or maybe they had finally saved enough money to move away from their piece-of-shit town. The story ended on a happy, expectant, hopeful note, and it stopped before things could become sad, or mundane. Does no one ever wonder what happens next? I do.
My friend left for a bit to talk to her boyfriend, and I waited with another friend for her to come back. When she did, the second friend left to make guacamole and the first friend sat down and started talking to me. I was so happy to see her, and the experience swirled, and I realized that she could have talked us through the end of our movie. Music would have swelled, the camera would swivel up into the sun, and that could have been the end of us. But it wasn’t.

“You said that you and your cousin are both of the crows,” he said, “So both of you are trapped and both of you are free. But how are you trapped?” Hadn’t he been listening to me?
“I’m alive,” I told him. I’m alive, and I really don’t think that I should be.
That’s the difference between the real world and stories. In books, it’s understood that not everyone has been written to make it. Not everyone is supposed to survive to the end. In life, there’s the expectation that everyone will survive, and I don’t understand it. I feel like my character’s course should be coming to its end, but I don’t know how to finish my book. My author is hiding, and I do not know how to find hir to talk. All I have are these English teacher directions, making me analyze the colors of my curtains and look at certain people in my character cast as ghosts.

Thomas was playing soccer at the bottom of the hill. She felt an intense need to call out to him, to go down to him. But there was nothing to say. She’d only be a nuisance, interrupting the game. And then the soccer players were stopping, and Thomas was gone.

She watched the friend walk off, and knew that she would be fine. Sad, yes; but fine all the same.  She was protected, and loved, and had her companion. Yes, she would be okay. This was good.

I wonder if it’s better to live off of anger, or to live off of sadness. Anger seems to give you a false energy; it fuels itself, and you by proxy. Sadness begets sadness, but sadness drains you. I’ve never been too angry to move, but I have been paralyzed with sadness. Anger probably makes you more productive. This guy is doing things. He’s organizing trips and creating theater pieces. He’s loud, and known. I am small, quiet, selectively presenting myself to the world. He’ll probably go farther than I do. Still, I don’t want to be angry. I don’t want to hate people. Sadness might make me a ghost, but I think hatred makes it easier for one to become inhuman.

Pulling myself back out of my thoughts. This is over. He will be leaving.
“This was nice,” he says. I wonder what was going through his head all this time.
“Yeah,” I say, although I’m not sure. “We should do it again sometime.”
“Definitely,” he agrees.
I am not actually sure if he will come back, and I am not actually sure if I want him to. I’m attracted to him, but also afraid of him. If only he was not so angry. If only I was not so sad.

If only our lives were written in a novel.

It’s the age-old story…

Boy meets girl. Boy dances on girl at party. Boy gets so turned on by girl’s dancing that he wants to take her home, or at least get some private time Somewhere. Girl has to tell boy that she’s asexual.

“Only at [this school] would I accept that as a response,” he said, before completely Not Accepting it. What followed was a pretty standard exchange, during which I had to explain what asexuality was, how I knew I was asexual, and that no, I wasn’t kidding. I’d gone through the same thing exactly one week earlier with a friend, while we were cuddling (does no one want to just cuddle anymore?). It’s funny how something can become so tiring and routine to you, while constantly amazing someone else. Especially tiring is that fact that the Someone Else will rarely understand your situation.

“Well it sounds like what you have is perfect for having just some casual thing,” he was saying. He’d clearly missed the part where I told him I need emotional connections to really be involved with someone. That, or he was okay with the idea of being on top of someone who would be numb and un-present, which wasn’t exactly a point in his favor. I tried to re-explain.

“So, you just don’t hook up?” he asked, like this was some foreign concept. Maybe it was.
“No,” I told him. “Except for on rare occasions.”
“Well, couldn’t this be one of those rare occasions?” he asked. “We could just go do this once.”
“And then make awkward eye contact for the rest of the semester?” I asked, incredulous. Who did he actually think I was? How big did he think campus was?

“No, no, we don’t have to. I’m really good about not making eye contact awkward,” he said, as if this was a selling point. “I just really wanna take you home and unzip your dress.”

My dress, it should be noted, was borrowed from a more brazen friend. It was essentially a tight-fitting jacket, in that its zipper went all the way up the front. As he said this last part, he motioned as if he would pull it down. I moved away, oddly feeling flattered, but also re-seeing the guy I was talking to as a sort of adult toddler. Had he never been turned down before? Was it inconceivable to him that he might not get his way? He was attractive, but all of this I-want-it-now, gimme-gimme stuff was detracting from my sympathy to him. I was sympathetic, because with any straight girl his approach probably would have worked. He was just unlucky enough to have tried me, and I felt sorry for letting him down.

So when he leaned down to kiss me, I really tried to kiss him back. I tried to be into it. I did! For about a second. It wasn’t going to take.
“That was hot,” he said, as I gently pushed him away, fervently shaking my head. “This would be so hot.” Was he kidding? I actually laughed in his face, but I did it in a way so that he would think I was being shy instead of offensive.

“I don’t think so,” I told him.
“Khalilah,” he insisted, “Are you being honest with me? You’re not just making this up, are you?”
“No,” I said, and then inspiration hit.

The following will probably be the most important part of this post, so if you read nothing else, read this:

At this moment, I knew exactly how to explain asexuality so that he would get it, and grabbed his hand. He thought I was bringing it to my body, and stepped closer. I stepped back and firmly placed the hand against the wall, moving it back and forth over the surface.

“What do you feel?” I asked him.
“The wall,” he said, unsure of what I was doing.

“But what does it feel like?” I prodded, and listened to whatever he said to describe its feel. “Now, do you feel sexually turned on by what you’re feeling, even though you can feel everything?”
“No,” he said, starting to understand.
“Exactly,” I told him. “That’s what it’s like for me. Now, if you’re very desperate to find someone tonight, there’s a cluster of freshman girls over there whom I can almost guarantee are not asexual.”
“That’s not what it’s about,” he said, although I didn’t believe him. “I really sorry. That this can’t work out, and about.. your thing.”
“Don’t be,” I told him. “Just appreciate what you have.”

And sending him on his way, I felt extremely proud of myself. I’m still proud of myself. Now, so long as there’s a wall present (or really anything you can touch), my routine may not need to be so tiresome.

Being Asexual is Lonely

I don’t just mean in terms of not having someone to cuddle with when I want, or not being able to feel physically present even when I’m touching someone else. What I mean is that I can never completely count on anyone else to be there for me if/when I need them. Oh, I have friends, and they tell me that they support me and that they’re here for me, but they can’t completely be. They’re sexual.

One night, I was lying in bed unable to sleep. It was 4am and I was scared. I was thinking about life, and people, and why people do bad things. I was thinking about corruption, about how it seems that at some point everyone has to kill a little bit of their humanity in order to go on living. Whether that means dulling your feelings so that pain won’t keep you from doing the things you need to do, or cutting off empathy so that you can continue to live without always worrying about others and the consequences of your actions, there are so many ways we are expected to give up bits of ourselves, and it’s scary to think of how completely Not-Ourselves we’ll be when it’s finally time for us to die. I was wondering if it was possible for me to live without giving up my humanity, and if I could live an entire life without harming others, unintentionally or not, or if it would be better to just kill myself before becoming corrupted along with everybody else. I don’t like thinking about suicide, because I always know that it isn’t actually a viable option for me, and it leads me to thinking about One, and how much better things would be if he were here instead of me. When I think about that, I’m always afraid that I’ll start hearing voices, either his or someone else’s.

I didn’t want to go through that. I didn’t want to think, or hear anything, or move. I was lying paralyzed. I managed to move enough to find my phone and turn it on. I was going to call my friend.

This was the first time in a long time that I had tried to call someone when I was scared. I knew that he would be up, and I knew that he would be able to talk me through it. Did I really want to bother him, though? It wouldn’t be bothering him. He’d told me earlier in the week that it would bother him more if I didn’t tell him when things were upsetting me, and that I shouldn’t worry about how he would react to what I said. So it was only with slight trepidation that I called.

“Hello?” He’d picked up! Was I imagining things? Would my voice work? Would he know that I was crying? “Hello…?” he was saying. I forced myself to speak.
“Hi,” I told him, trying to make my mouth form the words around my tears. They were slipping all over the place, and it felt like my face was numb. “How are you?”
“I’m good; what’s up?” he asked.
“I can’t sleep,” I told him slowly. “I can’t sleep and I’m really scared.” This was it.
“Yeahhh,” he said. “I can’t really talk right now.” What?
“Oh,” I said. “Oh- oh- oh- oh —  okay” I finally managed to choke out. A sad laugh shot out of me as I realized that he was with a girl.
“Yeahhh,” he repeated. “Is there someone else you can call?”
“Yeah,” I lied. “Have a good night.”

When I saw him the next day, I asked him how his night had been.
“It was okay,” he said. “Not much happened. We just watched a movie.”

They’d been watching a movie, while I was crying. I knew that I couldn’t really be mad at him, because as a sexual person, he was simply going after what I couldn’t have: closeness. I was only his friend; not someone he wanted to sleep with. My friends aren’t assholes. They care about the people they want any sort of relationship with, and they understand that they need to put in time with the people they want to be with. That means that they can’t really have time for me.
That’s great for them. It means that they’ll probably have successful relationships, and the people they’re with will be happy. But what happens when you have no one? I have nothing to offer sexual people. I’ve been told that I should just give up my body in order to get the closeness I want, but that’s sort of like giving up your humanity in order to keep living. When it comes down to it, I don’t want to do anything with people unless we have some sort of emotional connection. These days, it seems that no one else wants to form emotional connections until they’ve experienced something sexual with you. For me to put myself in a position I don’t want to be in would be like me raping myself. That wouldn’t be good for me, and I know I would only resent the person I was with because of it.

When I look down the line at a life of either loneliness or self-rape, I don’t know. It’s scary. It’s sad. I’m not sure how to fix it.