People crack me up, offend me, and amaze me. Here are some of the noteworthy remarks and exchanges I’ve heard, whether directly or by accident.
“Guys are all simple. All we care about are sandwiches and pussy, and anyone who tells you differently is lying.”
“Why would you want to waste your time being asexual? You’re such a sexy girl!”
“Does it ever get easier, do you think, after you’ve lost someone?”
“I don’t think it gets easier. I just get…weirder.”
“I heard somewhere that the original aphrodisiac was ass, so I don’t even blame the white devil for being attracted to black butts.”
“We were talking about this the other. Nowadays, there are so many Open Letters instead of actual articles, people spend more time critiquing things than actually writing about systemic racism and oppression.”
“I hate it when people get upset because I call something ‘gay’. It’s like, if I’m not saying it about gay people, then why do you need to get offended just because you have a personal connection to the word?”
Cousin: Just bring all your friends here!
Me: You know these girls all think, right? Imagine yourself in a room full of Khalilah’s. Except with their own individualities, so different.
Cousin: …That would be a nightmare.
“Do you know what goes into your sink? Little bits of food, and shit!”
“That girl was trying to talk shit about us, saying shit about all the girls here. I’m like, ‘Excuse me? Who’s going to the private university? Oh, I’m going to be your boss one day? Oh, okay!'”
“He was like, ‘Thought the fireworks were starting early, but it was just a drive-by!’ And I was just like, ‘Really? Way to ruin my Fourth of July!'”
“The army was actually sent out to kill the hyenas. They shot one, the rest started laughing…all [the soldiers] got scared and ran away.”
Me: I don’t just want to be some guy’s ornament.
Him: Yeah, but you’d be a pretty cute ornament.
“He was getting into a very heated argument about J. Crew sweaters. I mean, insults were flying around.”
Cous: Why shouldn’t there be a male rights activist? Guys, we need activists too. Like women are so mean, and always yelling. How come when I leave my socks on the floor, my girlfriend always has to yell at me. Why are your socks on the ground; pick them up! I don’t like it!
Me: You know I spent the past four months afraid to walk outside at night, and some places in the daytime, because I didn’t want men to try to take advantage of me? Your thing is completely different.
Cous: Are you trying to tell me that my pain is less than yours? She needs to stop yelling! It’s stressful!
“I hate how much academics get in the way of trying to do real things with my life. I’m doing so much, I barely have time for work. Meanwhile, people are using schoolwork as an excuse not to be active. I’ll be like, ‘Come on, let’s go to this protest!’ And my friends will be like, ‘I would, but I have a paper.’ It’s just like, what?”
“I know, oh no no no it’s okay, I’m the whiter than anything…I hate white people!”
“I just realized that he probably doesn’t want anyone to know about that. Oh no! I feel so bad. I don’t mean to be a gossip! I just like to share information with other people.”
“Yeah..I don’t even know what minimum wage is..”
“Well, I don’t really like big girls. I like thin girls, with bodies like Rihanna’s, you know? But I’ll still do anyone. I’m like Jesus.”
“I don’t pee on toilet seats, because I have manners!”
Me: At this point, the most privileged position I see is the straight, white male. Then high economic status. Him: Awkward, because that’s everything I am…but I don’t use it! So I don’t really have it.
Me: Well, you still have it, even if you don’t actively tap into it. It’s structural.
Him: No, no. I don’t see color.
Him: Fuck you, _______!
Her: You wish you could fuck me!
Customer: Excuse me; where are the mens’ shirts?
Me: They’re back there, behind the ties.
Customer: All the way in the back?! That’s too far to walk. Imma go home and by them online.
“No, no, no. I wouldn’t wear a weave like that. That was synthetic hair. None of the women in my family would do that; the women in my family only wear weaves with real hair.”
“I couldn’t just walk around crying, because people would’ve been like, ‘what’s wrong with that kid?'”
“At one point, he was just like, ‘Do you understand English?’ And I was like, ‘Why would you think I don’t speak English? Could it be that you were confused because of my ethnicity?’ He got so tight, because he knew that I called him out on his racist bullshit!”
“Can I go? ‘Cause I would rather fuck myself in the snow than be here right now.”
“Your face…looks like Coke.”
Customer with Flat Stomach: Does this dress make me look pregnant?
Me: *laughing* No!
Friend: Yes it does! Don’t lie to her.
Me: *serious* No.
“He played me back the video of me dancing, told me to regarde les fesses, and then kissed the screen. Okay? He told me to watch my butt, and then kissed the screen! Okay? It’s not okay.”
“I just hate feminists! Like seriously, that Oprah Winfrey? She said she ‘doesn’t need a man,’ and I just hate that. I hate her!”
“The cartoon is not racist. The artist just wants to make sure you know it’s an African. You know, with lips like hamburgers!”
“Man, I forgot that when I talk to you, I actually have to think about what I say.”
“She’s pretty..just not in an obvious way.”
“As the parade went on, the stares got worse and worse. I thought that they were proud of me for the great job I was doing until I saw my drum at the end. Not only had I shattered its head, I had splattered it all over with my blood!”
“How was I supposed to know that my dad is a crackhead! And he gave me all number three pencils for the SAT!”
“Sometimes when I’m biting myself – because I enjoy biting myself…”
“I like how deep you are. Sometimes it’s annoying, but it’s one of the things I like about you.”
Him: No, you don’t have these problems.
Me: How do you know? What are your problems?
Him: … I’m just so horny right now.
Me: …You’re right, I don’t have those problems.
“You are excommunicated. We don’t communicate with you anymore!”
“Oh my god..monkeys stole my parents’ bananas!”
“The only man I find attractive is Jesus!”
“I’m tired of dense people. I’ve met some people, and I’m just like, ‘How the fuck am I related to you?'”
“I’m just really good at math…and modesty.”
“School is really getting in the way of my ability to learn right now.”