Tag Archives: Paranoia

Who Wants to Be in a Piece?

I wrote this to be performed, then realized I have no performers. Eventually I want to turn it into some sort of visual story. As my visual skills are lacking, that may take a while. So in the meantime, here.

 

I heard that after she died, her mother wanted to move to a place where no one knew her, so that she could walk outside and be sad without wearing sunglasses.

I wish I could do that. All of that.

I wish I could be publically sad. I wish I could walk around crying when I felt like it. More than that, though, I wish that I could want to go somewhere that no one knew me. I wish that living amongst strangers were an attractive dream, and not a nightmare. It would allow for the possibility of escape. But right now, walking amongst strangers is one of the most terrifying experiences I go through.

What are the social rules for when you walk through strangers?

Repeat: “After she died, her mother wanted to move to a place where no one knew her, so that she could walk outside and be sad without wearing sunglasses. I wish I could –”

Whom do you greet? At whom should you smile? I want to be friendly; I want to be kind.

In high school, a speaker came to our school to talk about bullying. He told us the story of a man who was so depressed that he jumped off a bridge. In his suicide note, the man said that he would turn around and commit to living, if one person smiled at him on his walk to the bridge from his home.

I think about that story every day.

I think about calls I never made, and texts I sent too late.

I think about my own jumper.

I don’t want to be the inadvertent cause of another.

BUT –

I don’t really want to be that friendly, either. To strangers. Who don’t know me, and who could misinterpret my intentions in smiling. I don’t want to smile at the wrong person and then regret it.

Hidden Thought: “Edward”

What I didn’t realize would happen after I was raped: I became afraid of men. I don’t think many people think about the extent to which this happens. You think, Oh, well of course. A man did this to you, so you’ll have trust issues. What you don’t realize is that there will come a time when you’re walking through the city with an acquaintance, and you will pass by a group of guys on the corner. You will notice them noticing you, and why shouldn’t they? You look good. Hair nice, new lipstick, skirt with the slits. Let ‘em watch! you’ll think as you walk by, until you notice them peel off the corner and start to walk behind you. And for three blocks, as they continue to walk behind you, your acquaintance will talk and talk and never notice how silent you are, how rigid you are becoming. As you hear the low murmur of their voices, punctured by sinister laughs, as you begin to be confused about whether their footsteps are shaking the Earth, or you are just shaking, you’ll be thinking about the keys in your purse, wondering, if I push them between my fingers, can these work as brass knuckles? Or will that just make them mad, and rougher with me? If I just submit without trying, will they be gentler? Will anyone believe me after? Will they blame me?

Thought: “Of course they will.”

*Everyone pauses, Thoughts look at Khalilah, then all resume walking*

Repeat: “What I didn’t realize would happen after I was raped: I became afraid of men. I don’t think – ”

You will be scared out of your mind, because you will know that those guys are there to rape you, that they will rape you. This you will know, even after it turns out that the guys were just walking, and have turned off somewhere else, because this is what you have internalized: if someone you know and trust, someone who could be a friend, could do this to you, then there is nothing to stop a stranger, someone with no connection to you, and no reason to care about you, from violating you.

From One side: “You’re stupid to want to look nice. You’re an idiot, trying to be attractive, just luring them in, and expecting them not to touch you. *Getting closer to Khalilah’s face* Don’t smile at anyone! Do you want to be asking for it?”

From Other side: “Edward.”

*Thoughts begin to walk in imperfect circle around Khalilah, stepping out of the circle to speak, and then re-entering as she speaks*

There are too many dates on the calendar. On February 16, we found his suicide note.

“Don’t let him die.”

On December 24, he told me that he was better. That he was committed to being healthy.

“What’s wrong with him, Khalilah?”

On March 25, a jogger found his body.

“Why can’t you be friendly?”

On May 20, he told me he loved me as he invaded my body.

“I never said, ‘he did not rape Khalilah’. Stop worrying that I’m spreading a counter narrative about you, and worry about yourself.”

*Khalilah stops smiling, turns from a Thought*

“Well fuck you then, bitch.”

From other side: “Edward.”

*Everyone stops walking*

You ever get to a place where your traumas seem to trump you? Where you’ve got to choose to let one run wild over you, so you can combat the other? It’s like a game a whack-a-mole where I am both batter and target.

*Resume walking randomly, not in a circle. Thoughts should be pretending they have somewhere to go, intersecting Khalilah/each other like traffic, but without forcing anything (if that makes sense)*

He is 1,728 days dead. And she would be 301 days old. I’ve got ghosts on each shoulder.

Does he have any? Does he have ours? The man whose name I am legally no longer allowed to say. Would he deny his daughter? My daughter? The proof of his perpetration. His friends, fellow activists, would no longer be able to send me hateful messages, or accusations, or spread their guilt-induced counter narratives, not with her around. She would have to be female, I know, because I would hate any son in his image. Any man.

“Edward.”

Please, please stop saying his name. I’m not even thinking it. I’m not saying it.

Thought from other side of the room: “You can still feel his dreads sometimes. You still see him when your eyes are open, and feel him when your eyes are closed. You can still hear the contrast between your moans and his laughter – ”

*Khalilah runs over as it speaks, faster now*

I don’t want to, I don’t want to. Those aren’t things I want to hold onto, those are memories I want out of my thoughts –

Thought from the other side of the room: “Edward.”

*Khalilah whirls around*

NO! Stop. He isn’t here. Why don’t people understand the power of names, the power of calling someone? Call a living person, and you summon an idea of them. When someone is dead, the idea of them becomes their essence. I do not want to deal with his ghost right now. His nonexistence. He left. He left – me. You cannot call him; I cannot call him – 

*Thoughts have been moving closer to Khalilah as she unravels. They pull cords out of their pockets, and begin to move quickly around Khalilah like a Maypole, binding her*
*Different thoughts begin to speak, in round form. After the first gets out two sentences, the next begins, and the next after the second’s first two sentences*

“He is seventeen-hundred, twenty-eight days dead. And she would be 301 days old. There are too many dates on the calendar. On February 16, we found his suicide note. On December 24, he told me that he was better. That he was committed to being healthy. On March 25, a jogger found his body. On March 20, he told me he loved me as he invaded my body. You ever get to a place where your traumas seem to trump you? Where you’ve got to choose one to let run wild all over you, so you can combat the other?”

“I wish I could be publically sad. I wish I could walk around crying when I felt like it. After she died, her mother wanted to move to a place where no one knew her. More than that, though, I wish I could want to go to a place where no one knew me. What are the social rules for when you walk through strangers? Whom do you greet? At whom should you smile?”

“You think, Oh, well of course. A man did this to you, so you’ll have trust issues. 

*When Khalilah is sufficiently bound, one Thought moves to cover her mouth. She struggles around, moving her head to get out the last bit of monologue, while one Thought goes to get tape*

SOMETIMES I THINK THAT MY THOUGHTS ARE GOING TO TAKE OVER MY EXISTENCE. SOMETIMES I THINK I’LL HAVE TO CHOOSE BETWEEN GETTING BY AND LIVING, AND ACTUALLY MAKING SENSE OF WHAT’S HAPPENING.

SOMETIMES I THINK THAT I’LL GO INTO MY HEAD TO ORGANIZE MY THOUGHTS, AND I’LL GET LOST. I’LL LOSE CONTROL, AND MY THOUGHTS WILL ALL SWIRL UP AND CONSUME ME AND I’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO COMPLETELY SPEAK AGAIN. IT’LL JUST BE ME, IN MY HEAD, MUTE, WITH MY TRAUMAS.

*Thought finally succeeds in taping Khalilah’s mouth shut. It gently runs its hands over the tape, pressing it down more firmly, as the others stand watching, still holding their ends of the cords*

*A New Person enters, dressed in ordinary clothes*

New Person: “What are you thinking about?”

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Being Asexual is Lonely

I don’t just mean in terms of not having someone to cuddle with when I want, or not being able to feel physically present even when I’m touching someone else. What I mean is that I can never completely count on anyone else to be there for me if/when I need them. Oh, I have friends, and they tell me that they support me and that they’re here for me, but they can’t completely be. They’re sexual.

One night, I was lying in bed unable to sleep. It was 4am and I was scared. I was thinking about life, and people, and why people do bad things. I was thinking about corruption, about how it seems that at some point everyone has to kill a little bit of their humanity in order to go on living. Whether that means dulling your feelings so that pain won’t keep you from doing the things you need to do, or cutting off empathy so that you can continue to live without always worrying about others and the consequences of your actions, there are so many ways we are expected to give up bits of ourselves, and it’s scary to think of how completely Not-Ourselves we’ll be when it’s finally time for us to die. I was wondering if it was possible for me to live without giving up my humanity, and if I could live an entire life without harming others, unintentionally or not, or if it would be better to just kill myself before becoming corrupted along with everybody else. I don’t like thinking about suicide, because I always know that it isn’t actually a viable option for me, and it leads me to thinking about One, and how much better things would be if he were here instead of me. When I think about that, I’m always afraid that I’ll start hearing voices, either his or someone else’s.

I didn’t want to go through that. I didn’t want to think, or hear anything, or move. I was lying paralyzed. I managed to move enough to find my phone and turn it on. I was going to call my friend.

This was the first time in a long time that I had tried to call someone when I was scared. I knew that he would be up, and I knew that he would be able to talk me through it. Did I really want to bother him, though? It wouldn’t be bothering him. He’d told me earlier in the week that it would bother him more if I didn’t tell him when things were upsetting me, and that I shouldn’t worry about how he would react to what I said. So it was only with slight trepidation that I called.

“Hello?” He’d picked up! Was I imagining things? Would my voice work? Would he know that I was crying? “Hello…?” he was saying. I forced myself to speak.
“Hi,” I told him, trying to make my mouth form the words around my tears. They were slipping all over the place, and it felt like my face was numb. “How are you?”
“I’m good; what’s up?” he asked.
“I can’t sleep,” I told him slowly. “I can’t sleep and I’m really scared.” This was it.
“Yeahhh,” he said. “I can’t really talk right now.” What?
“Oh,” I said. “Oh- oh- oh- oh —  okay” I finally managed to choke out. A sad laugh shot out of me as I realized that he was with a girl.
“Yeahhh,” he repeated. “Is there someone else you can call?”
“Yeah,” I lied. “Have a good night.”

When I saw him the next day, I asked him how his night had been.
“It was okay,” he said. “Not much happened. We just watched a movie.”

They’d been watching a movie, while I was crying. I knew that I couldn’t really be mad at him, because as a sexual person, he was simply going after what I couldn’t have: closeness. I was only his friend; not someone he wanted to sleep with. My friends aren’t assholes. They care about the people they want any sort of relationship with, and they understand that they need to put in time with the people they want to be with. That means that they can’t really have time for me.
That’s great for them. It means that they’ll probably have successful relationships, and the people they’re with will be happy. But what happens when you have no one? I have nothing to offer sexual people. I’ve been told that I should just give up my body in order to get the closeness I want, but that’s sort of like giving up your humanity in order to keep living. When it comes down to it, I don’t want to do anything with people unless we have some sort of emotional connection. These days, it seems that no one else wants to form emotional connections until they’ve experienced something sexual with you. For me to put myself in a position I don’t want to be in would be like me raping myself. That wouldn’t be good for me, and I know I would only resent the person I was with because of it.

When I look down the line at a life of either loneliness or self-rape, I don’t know. It’s scary. It’s sad. I’m not sure how to fix it.

Why I Go Crazy Sometimes

People don’t listen to me. It just happens all the time. I have So Many Things to say, but no one to listen to them. So what can I do? Who can I talk to?

Myself.

I come home and I say everything I need to myself. And because I know that I don’t really count, I say it to myself over and over again. Over and over and over, and I just get stuck repeating things and thinking about wrongs and questioning everything until I don’t know what I’ll do.
That’s why The Man started coming.

Even though I know that he isn’t really there, I can pretend (and I’ve gotten Extremely good at pretending) that he’s there, listening. Of course, he isn’t a kind listener. Not at all. He feeds off of all the insecurities I have but am too afraid to say out loud. And since he’s a manifestation of my inner thoughts, he can say them to me until I believe that they’re actually happening.
The sad thing is that even though I know he’s so horrible to me, and only detrimental to my growth as a person, I just need someone to LISTEN TO ME, and I need it so badly that I’m willing to conjure up someone who makes me feel suicidal.

If I’m being honest, if I didn’t speak my thoughts out loud, I would just get stuck listening to them inside my head, where they would all swirl around together and suck me down and I might get so caught up inside myself that I wouldn’t ever speak again. Or really do anything. I’d just be trapped.

I’ve come close before, but luckily there’s usually a mirror around. And when it’s so bad, and I finally see a person who wants to listen to me, I won’t care if it’s my own reflection. I’ll just talk and talk and turn into different people before my eyes until I’m just about exhausted.

So I’ve broken myself out of myself, not exactly in a good way, but in an effective way.

Although since it’s still only been myself the entire time, I only have so long until the same exact process repeats itself over and over again. I will see that situation, I will see the person not allowing me to speak, and I will feel the injustice, the anger, the NEED TO SPEAK AND BE HEARD all over again.

And that’s why I can’t leave my room sometimes. That’s why I’m crazy.

Because I can’t speak.

I have no one to talk to.

No one.